Am I 13?
Jimmeny crickets, I’m a strong woman. I own everything I have. I’ve earned everything I own. I also know how to be jaded. And bitter. If you haven’t gotten to see that first hand, you’re missing out on a good show. So how is it that I can still get all giddy…and giggly…and all that shit because of a boy? And a young one at that!
It’s much like the time I encountered the cute little bag boy at the Safeway, the one who couldn’t have been more than 16 but who had swagg-ar. Swagger that had him check me out all up and down with no apology, stare me straight in the eye and pay me a simple compliment. The compliment was nothing that original, or even that clever. If an uncertain 40 year old divorcee with a burgeoning bald spot paid me that same compliment at a sports bar, i’da probably held my breath to stop my eyes from rolling out of my head, given a fake little smile and sidled away. But the young ones with swagger…whoo whee…they turn me into a giggling teenage mush pot. Perhaps I’m just a pedophile.
Or let’s just say that I’m not a pedophile and let me wonder what it is about the young ones who pique my interest. Like the man-child I met recently who makes a sly smile creep up my face and a twinkle fill my eye. What is it about him that makes me take notice? Is it just his swagger? No doubt, that got my attention. Is it his pretty face? Well, I always have been a sucker for pretty. Is it how he smiles just at me when we’re together? That certainly helps. Is it his earnestness when he’s checking in on me. Yeah, that’s a knee buckler. Is it how he holds my hand in the quiet of the night? Heh…of course. There is no future here but his imprint is lasting. But how? What’s actually different about him than all the men who woo?
It’s his breeziness.
Yes, he’s breezy. The weight of the world just isn’t holding him down yet. There is no baggage. Sure there’s probably not much experience to fill any baggage with but honestly, that’s been amazingly refreshing. He has no idea yet, nor does he care, that he’s not good enough for me. He still has that cocky confidence I’m such a sucker for. It’s the bright-eyed belief that the world belongs in his hands. It’s the potential that paves his path. Man, I thought I was a sucker for pretty and for cocky…but potential trumps them all; I’ve always been attracted to those on the verge of greatness. And from all of this, I’m seeing these are characteristics and beliefs I lost a long time ago through disappointments and failures. Spending time with him gives me a way to get them back. This is my chance to reclaim the belief in my potential. That’s what I need to remember instead of fixating on how long this will go or where it will go. This is not about the possibility of creating a romance as it’s not, nor should it be, always about that with boys who come into our lives. It’s bigger than that. It’s about the possibility of creating a great life, just like I believed when I was 13.
— Ballyhoo Backcaster
