Bait & Switch

I was talking to a girlfriend the other day who does the online dating. There are days when her stories make dating seem fun and then there are stories that make me rather dig my eyes out with a spoon than subject myself to such horrors. Recently, she started chatting with a fella who seemed nice enough. They began with the ice-breaking wink, the customary 2-3 email exchange and then the polite photo swap. From what I gathered, everything was dandy enough for her to agree to the cautious-but-hopeful meet up.

She arrived at the rendezvous spot with a printed out picture in her pocketbook to ensure an accurate sighting and match. Around the room, she looked. From table to table her eyes wandered searching for her date.

She wondered…
Did I get the day right?
Is it the right time?
Am I in the right place?

When she believed all of these things were correct, she decided to sit and wait. Waiters passed by without eye contact. Attractive men came through the door, looking in her direction, but their eyes continued past her as they met the pair they were seeking out. Women with fabulous shoes scrambled by too quickly for her to find out where their purchases were made. She pulled out her picture to make sure she was looking for the right person. It was at this point, a man was pointedly headed her way. She looked behind her. She looked to the left and to the right. As he was almost at her table, she quickly looked down at the picture and looked back at the impending visitor and looked back at the photo once more as the two didn’t match at all. When the realization hit her that the person who was now standing next to her chair, arms outstretched waiting for a welcoming hug, was the one she should’ve been expecting, her head slowly lifted to see his eyes…the only thing about him that resembled anything in the picture in her hand.

She had just been the victim of the
Bait &
Switch

Now, I am not one to solely base feelings for a guy on looks but PEOPLE let’s get serious here. False advertisement is punishable by law. I understand the desire to showcase appealing pictures of one self. I am a top offender of doing everything I can, short of death, to keep unflattering pictures of me out of public consumption. But for certain, anything I post or share can be used to pick me out of a crowd…even a crowd of Asians.

Obviously, not everyone is so honorable. So to keep each of us out of situations like this one my friend experienced…I will start a list of cautionary tips for the act of picture review during the online dating process.

You know a picture is outdated when:

• • He’s wearing a pastel polo with the collar up, Member’s Only jacket and/or Hypercolor.
  • There’s a can of New Coke in the background.
  • He’s in a tuxedo with a red or pink carnation boutonniere. (It’s not from his wedding people…it’s from his prom. Verify with next bullet.)
  • The hair reeks of Flock of Seagulls or Duran Duran.
  • Howie Mandel is on the TV in the background but he still has his white man’s afro.

Be concerned when:

• • He only has one picture of himself on his profile.
  • He’s alone in all of his pictures (aka – few friends). Same deal if picture is of him taking a picture of him in a mirror.
  • He’s not wearing a shirt and he’s not at the beach.
  • He’s not wearing a shirt and he’s standing in his garage next to his motorcycle.
  • He’s not wearing a shirt and he’s posing on top of his motorcycle, pretending to ride it.
  • He’s wearing denim on denim. (Okay, so this is only my preference.)

Please add on for the greater good.

Actual events may have happened slightly differently than described here; however, this version is what my infused-vodka-infused-brain wants to believe because it is what amuses me. Why let the truth get in the way of a point I’m trying to make?

— Ballyhoo Backcaster