Hallelujah! The e Can Harm Me No More!

My subscription to eHarm just ended and I am jumping for joy! Admittedly, the only time I was 100% committed to the process was during the first 32 hours after signing up and about 1/4 of that was to fill out the horrendously long questionnaire (and maybe another 6 of those hours were spent sleeping).

But I tried. I really did. It may have never surpassed a 75% effort after the first full day, okay maybe it was only 65%, but I tried to be as positive as I could and do as a committed person would (committed to the process that is, not one needing to be committed). I tried even though my gut told me this was not the tool for me. I felt like I tried because I kept with it even when I wanted to quit on day two ~ when I was already thoroughly annoyed with the matches and the system. It may not have seemed like I tried as hard as I could have…but I think I did a pretty good job considering I had to constantly fight every ounce of me that wanted to kevetch up everything I had in me whenever I got an email from them or had to go onto their site.

With all these strong feelings, you might be asking why I stayed with it. Well, on day three when I went to cancel my subscription, I read the strategically placed “Don’t Give Up Skippy!” statement from Dr. Warren about how, in essence, patience is a virtue and that I should give this whole thing a chance. Not wanting to be a quitter, I took a deep breath and heeded this advice because I remembered that I signed up for this in the first place because I wanted to do something out of the box; something different than I’d ever done before. I signed up because I was applying some asshole’s philosophy that we should actively seek out and work at finding a relationship like we do when we’re pursuing a house or a job. I thought I had to challenge myself to change my behavior because what I had been doing in the recent past hadn’t worked so well for finding or forming a lasting romantic relationship. I thought I had done everything wrong up to that point so I needed to change me. Then I also figured I could try this eHarm thing for a month and then find a way to cancel it and get some money back.

I was wrong.

First lesson to pass on. Read the fine print of the terms of the subscription. Learn that you have just ONE week to get a refund. There are no partial refunds, no exchanges, no suspensions of accounts that push out your subscriptions out to the days when you actually want to use them. This is NOT the Nordstrom shoe department. Second lesson: turn off the “automatic renewal” option in your account settings so they can’t automatically renew your subscription when you’ve been counting the days for it to end…or charge the subscription on an account that will expire before your term ends. Thank god for expiration dates.

Third lesson. I was also wrong in thinking I had to “change my behavior.” I do as I do and have done as I’ve done because it’s what works for me. And this just wasn’t. I fully admit I became a very un-ideal customer when I became very uncommitted to the process. Though the men I met were plenty nice, interesting and intelligent; I just learned too late that I was just not interested in meeting any of them. I also learned some other things about myself this summer through this process:

• I don’t need a relationship to feel like I belong in this society.
• I don’t need a relationship to “save me” from anything, including myself.
• I have a lot to offer and I have every right, and now every intention, to be picky.
• Relationships don’t always have to be about the forever or about finding “the one.”
• I can actually do casual…and like it.
• There is no timeline.
• I may be meant for something greater than finding a “mate.” (And I’m actually really super fucking excited about this 🙂 )
• And…ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS…trust my gut and instinct and make no apologies for them. (This seems to be a reoccurring theme this year.)

So of course, our Afterschool Special moral of the story is that I’m a better person today because of this experience and that this was not ENTIRELY a waste of time and money. Although, it was money I could have used for this awesome pair of boots I saw in Canada. Ahhh…bygones.

Footnote: As convinced as I am that I will never use eHarm again, I should qualify this experience as my experience. I have two good friends who have recently created for themselves some very wonderful relationships with men they’ve met on eHarm and I am very excited for them and wish them all the best 🙂

— Ballyhoo Backcaster