Leave Well Enough Alone

Having self-diagnosed ADHD is not a good thing, especially during a cold, icy snowstorm. With slick roadways, my strong inclination to not drive and my distaste for public transportation, I find myself stuck at home with an inability to focus on anything and a restlessness that makes me bounce off the walls. I feel so trapped that my head is spinning. I can hardly sit still. At this point, TV is not appealing, books are not appealing, writing is not appealing…nothing is appealing. The only thing that IS appealing is the idea of shoveling the snow out of the driveway. Yes, it’s 8:30 in the evening. That’s correct, I don’t have the right kind of shovel. Naturally, it’s mostly ice I can’t get through below the light dusting of snow. Undoubtedly, going out there and shoveling is only going to make it worse for me in the morning. Additionally, I’m sick…with walking pneumonia it turns out…and this can’t be good for it. But of course, I can’t think of anything else I’d rather do. I tell myself all the reasons it’s a ridiculous course of action but I just can’t leave it alone. The more I try to focus on something else, the more I fixate on what I’m telling myself not to do and I do exactly what I shouldn’t.

This is me to a tee.

When all reason and logic point in one direction; I run the other way. This is true for every crush, for every relationship and for every break-up too. I often feel the need to DO something to push whatever my scenario is one way or another. I can’t just let things be what they will or let things go. I must meddle and fuss. It’s almost as if I do it to just feel something about it, whether good or bad. Doing nothing seems to feel the same as feeling trapped and claustrophobic…and I can’t stand that. The motion just helps to push those walls away before I get crushed. Even if just for a moment…just to breathe…and even if it’s going to make it worse in the end.

— Ballyhoo Backcaster