Where To Go From Here

I’ve been thinking about the past a lot lately. Perhaps that’s why I’m having such a hard time transitioning and moving into this new year. I sit here not having a clue about what 2009 brings, not having a clue what I want from it and not having a clue how I’m going to get it. I can’t see past my nose right now.

I’ve soap boxed about adding value to this world and yet I’ve busied myself with frivolity. Is it fair to want more from it all, even when I don’t know what that more is? It does make it more difficult to be driven when I don’t know where I want to drive to. Is that why I’ve let my mind dwell in the past and remember people I’ve loved and now miss…even when they have nothing to do with my contributions for the rest of this lifetime. Why does my mind drop back to relationships when I could be thinking about so much more? I’ve bitched about friends who prioritize questions about my love life over questions about my comprehensive life, yet I myself revert to thinking about relationships when I’m feeling blue… and that disappoints me.

This blog doesn’t help. When my goals and vehicles for writing intersect with a topic that I don’t want to define me, there is a problem. There is hypocrisy and a perpetuation of a thought pattern I don’t want to continue. But I also admit I’ve used this blog as a crutch. It has allowed me to explore the act of writing for an audience with a topic that I can treat flippantly; one which I can say whatever I want without retribution or requirement of fact. I think it’s time for me to move on. To push myself. To prove what I think. To confront the unknown. To discover endings to the incomplete. To explore the different. I think I’ve given you glimpses of that but I know there’s more and I want to give that to you. I want to give that to me.

I’ve done a lot of thinking about what to do about it all. “It all” meaning this blog. It didn’t turn out the way I originally envisioned. I wanted it to be a collaborative effort on this topic of dating, relationships, lust and love. I wanted it to be filled with voices that were not just my own. I know, I’ve had contributors along the way, which I have enjoyed and truly appreciated more than the contributors ever realized but I also understand that this is MY medium. So my hopes of what this project would be were slightly unfulfilled but what it’s brought me hasn’t been completely lost either.

So, with all that…now what?

Now, there may be some changes. There may be a movement to another blog space. Or some house cleaning will happen and the rules here may change…or things here will stay exactly the same and I’ll just move on unless I have something to say that actually fits this construct. I know there aren’t a ton of you out there reading this but for the handful of you who are, I hope you’ll follow me on this journey, wherever I’m driving to.

—Ballyhoo Backcaster