Housewife Wanted?

I could get used to this. Hot coffee brewing while I’m getting dressed, poured and ready to take with me as I head out the door for the office. Healthy, balanced meal ready and waiting for me when I get home. Dishes washed soon after they are used. House tidy and neat. This could be heaven for the 8 to 5 working class. But is it? Of course not. Why? Because with all this comes a catch. Of course there’s a catch. And his name is Michael.

Michael, the 7 year old running around my house who is a terror and watches cartoons all night. This is definitely not heaven because all the books and hymnals say heaven is peaceful and relaxing. It’s neither of those things here. Yes, I’m starting to see the benefits of a separate family room and a bonus room on opposite sides of the house and 3000 square feet. Forget cozy. Forget charming. Just give me my cave where it’s just me, myself and my stuff.

Then to top it off, my sister wants me to take her out to a “fun neighborhood” tonight. Jeezus, I’m friggin tired. I just want to crack open a beer and plop my feet up on the coffee table in silence … with my reality shows. I gave her a list of fun things to do but instead she shops all day and she doesn’t even go anywhere that’s fun. Target, Costco, Home Depot…name any mega mass retailer that can be found in every industrial park of America. If not that, then take the kid to the zoo or to the Science museum so he can be tired by the time I get home. There are projects around the house she could be doing too. Put together the piano that’s just sitting in pieces on the floor. Apparently that’s going on MY To Do list. Like I don’t have things I’d rather do when I’m not working 50-60 hours a week putting food on the table and a roof overhead. Apparently my life doesn’t matter anymore. Instead, I have to spend my weekends doing things I have to do versus things that I want to do. When did I sign up for this? I never said “I do” to any of it. And all the kid wants to do is cuddle with Mom. What the hell? What about my needs?

You know, staying at work doesn’t sound so bad these days. The pros versus the cons of having a housewife…really not so compelling anymore. And now she’s calling me at 4:45 for dinner plans. Who gets off at 5pm anymore? I don’t work for the Federal Government. I wonder if that sales guy from the 2nd floor is working late tonight…

— Ballyhoo Backcaster